Doing What I Need To Stay Alive

I have been reading the stories here for a few weeks, and no matter what genre I pick incest runs through most of them, and what I have found is that all the little girls and boys really enjoy sex with the parents, siblings, and uncles.

O yes there is always a little pain as they lose they’re virginity but that is true of anybody that has sex for the first time, but then miraculously they love it the harder the better and as often as possible. fucking anybody and every thing possible.

I always get horny reading them, which is a worry to me as I am a victim of incest, this has left me emotionally detached and worse. I feel that before I could join the many intelligent and inspired writers on this site, I must face my own demons, as the reality of my past always manages to intrude into all areas of my life , distorting my views and in a way govern how I react to things.

Although this happened to me from just before my four birthday it is only know in my forty’s that I have put pen to paper so to speak, I have never told anybody about this, I remember it as a child but now I write with the language and knowledge of an adult.

There are four distinct and separate parts of my life the first three have shaped the person I am today, and the fourth is how I have reinvented myself, I changed my name and moved to a different country, after being here for the last twenty years I have grown into the public view the locals have of me, a roll I portrayed to those around me, who know nothing of my past

To save time and breaking the flow of my story a brief description of the people involved,

Mam a single parent a drunken whore that lived off benefits and was the most cruel person I know

Uncle Tommy my mothers brother a big muscle bound gay, work shy, living of his many boyfriends.

THE START

Just before my fourth birthday I was playing in the woods behind our house, I needed to pee so bad I ran into the house to relieve myself but the down stairs toilet was broken, forcing my fingers between my legs I jammed my knickers into my small tight crack, willing myself to hold on until I got to the toilet.

I rushed up the stairs to the bathroom but half way up I saw my mother standing there, I froze as even at that young age I knew to keep out of her arm range and anything she might be holding at the time “I was not always good at this as the many bruises and lump and bumps can testify to.”

As I stood there petrified she started to yell at me to stop rushing around, just the sound of her high pitched yell made me jump, my over full bladder gave way emptying its contents, I could feel the warm liquid trickle through my fingers, I started to tremble as in a torrent the yellow flood of liquid spread across my knickers, running down my legs to soak my white ankle socks.

Mam started down the stairs towards me I was rooted to the spot, this time it only took her one hard slap across my face to send me flying backwards, down the stairs I bounced, hitting the edges of the steps two or three times before everything went black.

,

You may say how could a child so young remember all this stuff in such detail,

its easy when a constant round of beatings blur into each other,

when the bigger beatings, perhaps bigger is the wrong word, the more serious beatings happen they stand out starkly in your memory’s. At night I was haunted by these events, I went over them again and again to see how I could have avoid situations like them again

I was old before my time.

`

I came out of the darkness slowly I could hear Uncle Tommy in the distance, he was yelling at mam

As black turned to grey, light and feeling returned to my mind and body, when I was fully conscious I opened my eyes Uncle Tommy was bending over me.

I was laying at the bottom of the stairs, for once mam was not shouting, she was visibly shaking and white as a ghost, Uncle Tommy tried to pick me up, but a pain shot through my chest, I screamed in agony thinking I was going to die, He laid me back down, then mam started down the stair’s towards me, with that I panicked and tried to shuffle backwards away from her.

The pain ripped through my fragile body like a lance, my vision swam in time to the pulsing pain, I lay still waiting for the pain to subside, seeing my pain and fright Uncle Tommy laid a hand on my shoulder gently keeping me still and told mam to stay were she was.

Then ever so carefully he started to feel my arms and legs for broken bones, working his way slowly around me, he palpitated my stomach for any hardness or sign of internal bleeding, when he finally ran his hands over my ribcage I screamed and blacked out for the second time.

As I came around I could hear Uncle Tommy saying to my mam that he thought that I had cracked some ribs, then an argument broke out mam wonted to take me to A&E, but Uncle Tommy said that with her great big red hand mark still on the side of my face, I would be put into care and she would lose her benefits.

He handed her some money he told her to go to Steely Dan, “ you’ll find him at the squat ” get a fix, and get a clean syringe off him to, when she had left Uncle Tommy said to lay still as he was going to find some bandages or tape to fix me up.

I lay there quietly hardly daring to breath, I don’t know how long I was there but I started to shake with the cold, every involuntary movement was a stab of throbbing hell, then the tears came, big fat wet tears running from each corner of my eyes, running down the sides of my up turned face into my ears, I slowly moved my head sideways laying my cheek on the cold floorboards some of the tears ran down my cheek into my mouth, they tasted salty but they moistened my dry lips.

Finally I heard my mam come in the front door, Uncle Tommy shouted from upstairs for her to cook a few grains and fill the syringe. At the time I did not know what they were on about, but I lay there thinking they are going to cook dinner as I lay here dyeing, it was my first and last dealings with drugs, how they didn’t kill me off I don’t know,

Uncle Tommy knelt down beside me and tied my arm just above the elbow, then hitting the hollow of my elbow he pushed a needle into my arm. There was a sudden pain and slowly from behind my eyes bright coloured lights flashed, they seemed to throb in time to my heartbeat I had never consciously heard my heartbeat before, now it danced in time with the pirouetting lights.

As I floated on my dancing cloud Uncle Tommy picked me up, but know the crushing pain was just an interruption to my dancing lights, the constricting pain a dull throb , as he carried me up stairs it felt like my body had left my brain down stairs in the cold hall, and my eyes were rushing upwards to catch me, my arms and legs were long thin bendy strings, the dancing lights flowed out of me, flowing into the air, everything I saw shimmered in a rainbow of colours

Everything moved in slow motion, every step felt like we were walking on the moon, finally I was sitting down on my bed, Uncle Tommy took of my damp sun dress, even in that state I could see the vibrant yellow of the sunflower pattern on the hem dance before my eyes, as he pulled my arms through the dress I must have passed out again.

when I finally awoke I was fully undressed but my chest was covered up in ripped up old bed linen,

I tried to move but I was very sore my head throbbed and I was very hungry and thirsty, when I told Uncle Tommy this he saw to all my needs, he was being so kind to me.

Once I had rested some more and my headache had gone Uncle Tommy came and sat beside me on the bed, he said how sorry mam was about what she had done and that it wont happen again, but that was always something she said, as I lay there cold and confused I realised that I needed to go to the toilet but it was very sore to move, when Uncle Tommy saw me struggle to move he asked me what I wonted, in a quiet voice I told him I needed the loo, Uncle Tommy helped me to the bathroom

He gentle sat me down and when I had finished he took some moist paper towel and cleaned me up,

he took me back to my room and laid me down on the bed, he sat beside me he had a strange look in his eyes, he said honey you were very lucky tonight you’re mam could have done a lot of harm to you, with that he gave me some tablets and I fell asleep.

I stayed upstairs for nearly two weeks, all the while Uncle Tommy took good care of me, I was glad that I did not see mam all that time, when I was allowed to get up i felt wobbly on my feet, and the bandages stayed on for at least six weeks more, all this time Uncle Tommy was looking after me he kept mam away, but at bath times I got worried as he started to rub my legs and arms always using a warm flannel to wash me between my ass cheeks, when I said to stop he was hurting me he said it was to keep the circulation going, I never questioned that.

On my fourth birthday Uncle Tommy had arranged a birthday party for me, I will remember it always as it was the only one I ever had, there were loads of grown ups and a few kids there I played all day, people were being nice to me I ate a load of junk but it was fun to mix with other kids I had never been so happy, but as the evening ended I could see mam was drunk,so when the last kid had left I went to my room.

It was dark when Uncle Tommy came to my room, he put on the bedside lamp the room flooded with the light of a soft pink tone bulb, it cast a rosy shadow softening the edges of everything, pulling my covers back he told me that as he had kept mam away from me and had given me such a lovely party that I must do something for him.

I was very grateful to him so I thought nothing of it when he asked me to let him run his hands over me, he had been doing it for weeks as he bathed me, he worked on my arms first stroking and tickling my arms, then he moved to my legs gentle trailing his fingers up and down, but as he got to the top of my closed thighs he pushed his fingers between them parting them slightly.

he said that I didn’t feel right and that he would have to turn me over I rolled me over on to my stomach, he was stroking my back saying how like a little boy I looked from behind rubbing my shoulders he worked his way down to the base of my spine, there he started to kneed my bum rolling the mound in his hands, but as he started to work his fingers in deeper to my ass hole I got tense.

reassuring me he continued to work on my ass, I could feel the pressure as he tried to sneak a finger into the opening of my bum, this is to much for me he said I need to use my body to rub you, it will be nicer for you, if you let me it means that you are thankful for everything I have done for you

I could hear his trousers and belt fall to the floor, he put his hands in between my closed thighs and parted them, he resumed stroking and fondling me from behind he was so gentle i never murmured or resisted, I heard him spit a few times then I felt his warm spittle hit my back as he lowered himself on to me I could fell something hard roll over my back.

suddenly he was moving his hips all over my back sometimes his hard rod fell down between my

legs, I didn’t like it as he got rougher I had to fight to breath, I started to whimper when he asked me what was wrong I pretended that my ribs were hurting, he jumped up of me and said that next time I would have to stay still or there would be no more party’s for me.

He left my room and I went back to sleep confused about what he wonted from me, some time later I woke up thirsty, on the way to the bathroom to get some water I had to go past my mams bedroom door, as I neared my mothers bedroom I could hear noises coming from it, on tip toe I went to the slightly open door and peeked inside.

My mother was on her back naked with a man laying between her legs, he was pushing in and out of her slowly then faster, I saw him grab her breast and roll the big hard nipple between his fingers this made her moan, I could not see what he was doing between her open legs, then he got up and pulled her to the edge of the bed.

As he stood there I could see he had a big thick cock pointing at an odd angle it was almost banana shaped, then I new what it was Uncle Tommy was rubbing over my back, mam slipped to the floor and got on her hands and knees, the man got down behind her, and with one hand on her neck he guided his massive cock into her gaping pussy with his other hand.

with one vicious stroke he had buried himself to the hilt in her fanny I could hear it squelch with her juices as he pushed in and out of her, faster and faster he went, I saw his wrinkly balls swinging as with a resounding slap they hit her puffy pussy lips, again and again he thrust into her, with every grunt I heard her say fuck me fuck me hard, he replied by putting his hands under her belly and pulling hard on her tits, stretching the nipples pulling them down until she moaned again.

He withdrew his huge cock from my mothers open pussy, it was covered in a film of milky white liquid, he ran his finger up the length of his cock collecting her fluids, with eyes closed he smelled his sticky digit and proceeded to suck of my mam’s juices, still pulling hard on her hanging tits with his other hand he moved his mouth down and engulfed her sopping wet hole.

As I stood there in the cold watching the two of them fuck each other I could see his tongue flick in and out of her cunt, running the length of her crack, most of the detail I could see was in the mirror beside them, then to my amazement he pushed his thick tongue into her big brown ass hole with a sigh she pushed her ass into his face with his tongue deep in her ass he used both hands to pull and twist savagely at her tits making her squirm even harder on his face.

Somewhere in my subconscious I had heard the floorboard creak behind me but I was so engrossed in what I was watching I ignored it, it was a while before I new someone was behind me and was watching the scene with me, without any warning a hand was put over my mouth and an arm circled my waist and I was lifted bodily of the floor, with my body pressed tightly into his I realised that it was Uncle Tommy.

Taking me back to my room he lay me back on my bed, you have been a naughty girl he said mamas going to be so mad when I tell her you were spying on her, O please don’t tell her I didn’t mean to, its just that I was thirsty I was going to the bathroom when I saw them I didn’t mean to stare.

Well there is something you can do for me and if you do it well I want tell you’re mam, I nodded my head, Uncle Tommy again dropped his pants and belt his cock was standing up hard and thick, just like the man who was right now fucking mams brains out, being this close to my face I could see that it had loads of veins over it, and that it seemed to have a life of its own as it twitched and jerked.

Taking hold of the back of my head he drew my face near to his smelly twitching cock, with his other hand he guided it towards my mouth, not knowing what I was to do I stared at it with lips tightly pursed, he rubbed the glistening purple head over my tightly closed lips, but the hardness of his tool rubbing over my small lips forced them apart, as I went to open my mouth to protest he pushed his cock inside, in shock my weak bladder emptied itself.

With b early an inch and a half in I was gagging and trying to retch, he tried to thrust in and out of my mouth a few times but I was choking on the bulbous head of his dick, finally pulling out he was annoyed with me, he said I had the body of a boy but I was useless at giving head, try licking it as if it was a lollipop he said, so very slowly I stuck out my soft little tongue and started to run it up and down his shaft.

holding my head in one hand he used the other to grab the whole shaft of his cock and pull it up so that his hairy gonads were at an easy angle for me to lick him, his balls were hairy and horrible he instructed me to take them in my mouth and suck on them, I was nearly sick as a stray hair went down my throat, pulling all his balls out of my mouth, he once again tried to fuck my mouth, he seemed content to keep just the head in as I sucked it he used his hand to wank of.

But as his hand stroke got faster his breathing got heaver he pulled out of my stretched aching mouth, I need to cum so bad I’m in pain he said, I thought that I had hurt him but then he continued you know I finished with Joe two weeks ago well my balls are full of love cream and I just got to unload it somewhere, Joe loved it up the ass, my price for my silence will be your ass.

I didn’t have a clue what he meant again I just nodded, laying me over the edge of the bed I could feel him spit on me again I could feel the warm moisture run down my ass crack between my bum cheeks, then his fingers were all over me worming there way into my tight little ass hole it hurt like hell I tried to pull away but with the wait of his other hand on my back I could not move.

I tried to protest at what he wanted to do to me, pictures of mam being fucked just now told me all I needed to know about what was going to happen to me, but were mam was loving every hard thrust I was in pain with just his middle digit stuffed up my ass, I know its crude but I felt like I needed a ten pound shit.

I screamed as he tried to force a second finger into my tender ass, with that he pulled them out and spun me around, if you don’t stop your squealing I am going to tell your mam what a nasty little slut you are, I began to cry and begged him not to, but through sobs I told him how much it was hurting me.

O.k I will lube you up and take my time with you as its your first time, but you must stay quiet, on second thoughts I will cover your mouth just in case any little protest’s escape that cute little mouth stay as you are on the bed do not move, I heard him leave the room then came back a few minutes later, I heard him lock my door.

First he went to my head and brushed his limp cock against my lips, I knew that I had to open up and let him put as much as he could of his cock into my straining mouth, I was surprised to feel it soft and squishy as it hit the back of my throat, but then like a nightmare it started to get hard, but the harder it got the the more it was choking me.

Finally with tears streaming silently down my face he withdrew his massive cock from my mouth, it felt stretched and my jaw ached, but none to gently he used a thick woolly scarf to cover my mouth, pulling my hair as he knotted the gag in place.

As he moved around me I could feel his hard cock brush my thighs, I was petrified as I knew what he was going to do to me, but true to his word he did go slowly at first I could feel a cold cream being smeared all over my butt, his circular motions was getting closer and closer to my ass hole, but I still felt tense this wasn’t going to be a nice gentle rub down .

I could feel him work his finger around and around the edge of my hole with just the lightest pressure, then with a little more effort he put the tip of his finger in, with the aide of the cream it slipped in with no resistance from me but as he pushed further I tensed up again

Then within a short time he pushed one of his fingers up to the knuckle deep in to my rectum, I jumped a mile pulling myself of his finger, the tension in my ass was removed, I did not relish the thought of going through this again But the fear of my mother made me stay still.

The next onslaught was horrendous he grabbed me around my waist and held me tight as he forced the finger back into my ass, after working it around a bit he withdrew it slightly, then as he pushed it back in I could feel a second finger join the other I felt as if I was being ripped apart as he finger fucked my ass.

It took all of five minutes for him to stretch my delicate ass hole wide, soon a third finger was thrust into my ass but now I could not feel any pain, I suppose the thick lubricating cream had coated the inside of my ass to help anything slide in and out of me, with his fingers deep in my ass he kept them shoved in, but now he was rotating them making my hole bigger O baby he sighed your so sweet, at this stage I was wide enough to accommodate his pulsing knob, I felt him pour more cream into my stretched ass, I felt him manoeuvring his prick to my gaping entrance.

The sudden pressure at my ass had me biting into my gag, even after taking three of his fingers up my ass his prick seemed to stretch and stretch me to my limit, I could feel every millimetre of his hard cock force its way into my virgin hole, you will never know the pain he caused me as he ripped me apart, and finally the hard ridge of his cock head passed through the mangled ring of muscle, I felt that I would never close my ass again.

Once his helmet was through the rest of his shaft followed swiftly, as I felt his hairy balls hit my tight little cunt lips I thought I would be sick, my ass was full to the brim and I had the intense urge to defecate fearing his wrath if I poo’d on his dick I struggled to let him ride me.

I bit down harder on my gag each time he withdrew his entire length and pushed his throbbing cock back into my unresisting ass, again and again he thrust into me , I felt a warm metallic taste in my mouth I had bitten through the gag and cut my lip as I slowly bled into my mouth I prayed for this to be over, I felt that my torment would never end .

He never let up each time he slowed down he changed his rhythm, short hard thrust, long slow withdraws, sometimes his cock was so far up my ass that he didn’t move back just kept jerking his hips, pushing just that little bit more into me, but the worst for me was when he withdrew the entire cock and rammed back in, in one stroke the head of his cock destroying what little resistance I had left.

He began to thrust harder he took his arm from around my waist and put his hands on each of my shoulders forcing me back on to his plunging cock, through gasps he told me what a sweet tight ride I was how he was going to fuck me every night, how he would push his cock deep into my mouth and spurt his cum deep in me, how I would lick up his cum from his throbbing cock after he fucked my ass.

My inner voice was screaming NO as he raped me, with a finally push his cock shuddered inside of me, it got even harder if that was possible he stayed still for a moment them with tight little rocking motions he came in my ass, by then my ass was numb,I was spared the feeling of his hot liquid splashing my insides.

He pulled out of me, I was dazed I could not move I think I was in shock, he picked me up and laid me down on the bed stroking my hair he nuzzled into my neck saying how I was such a good little girl and that now he new I was such a good lay he would not let mam hurt me any more .

He unlocked my door, turning to me he said that if I told anybody about our love he would be sent away and I would be left on my own with mam, I curled up on my bed and pulled the blankets over my head silently crying I fell asleep.

I slept late that morning when mam came to get me up there was a mess on my sheets, Uncle Tommy’s cum must of seeped out of my battered ass as I slept, she went ballistic dragging me from my bed she threw me around the room like a rag doll, pulling me up by my hair she took hold of my throat I screamed in terror, slowly she cut of my screams as she tightened her grip she choked the life out of me.

Uncle Tommy had heard me scream and came running in to my room, just as my vision turned from grey to black I saw him pull her hands from around my neck, as I heaved a great big breath of oxygen into my starved lungs fireworks of red and green exploded behind my eyes, it was the first time that I truly believed that she would kill me.

Uncle Tommy roared at my mam, with one hand he dragged me from her grasp and with the other hand he pushed her away, that settles it sis you’re not safe around honey, she will stay in my room from now on, you will kill her one day, she retorted by calling him a fag who couldn’t look after a dog let alone a child and none of his boyfriends would stay if he kept me around.

I was still wailing as he brought me to his room, holding me close he cuddled me until I stopped crying, but as my sobs shuddered through me I could feel his cock harden, it was pressed into my neck, after last night I could not believe that I would have to go through that again.

I pulled away and walked over to a chair I could not get my legs to work properly, it felt like something was missing between them, ,I complained to Uncle Tommy about how I felt but he just called me over to see how I walked, they seem fine take of your nightdress and let me look, I was weary of him so I only lifted it to my waist.

Bend over he said I cant see anything, please don’t hurt me, don’t be silly child I love you I love you so much that I wont you all the time, it wont hurt much I know you love it He said, it’s just because you’re muscles were not used to being stretch, but the more you let me use you the easer it would be, I saved your life today little one, and I always will if you stay quiet, I think we should get your hair cut short you have such a boyish figure I’d fancy you more.

From the first night he kept me in his room he would force himself on me, always the same, he would try to fuck my mouth when that didn’t satisfy him he put me on my hands and knees to enter my ass from behind, I think my ass had become numb to his wild thrashings the constant pulling in and out had deadened my nerve endings.

This went on for a long time, he kept my mam drunk and doped up, I think he needn’t have bothered as long as I was in pain she would be happy, I remember asking him why he gave her drugs when I was about eight years old he said that he didn’t wont to give her anything over him, the longer she was out of it the more he could love me.

Through those years I was like a well trained dog, a simple hand gesture or word would produce an automatic response in me, A hand on the back of my head would have me open my mouth the word floor when spoken to me would make me fall on all fours, all fight or resistance gone, Uncle Tommy took me to school every day and picked me up from the classroom door, it took awhile for me to learn that there was to ways to behave in public I was not to speak to anybody and at home I must obey

When I was nine Uncle Tommy got a new boyfriend so he let me go back to my own room to sleep in my own bed for the first time in nearly four years, he still kept mam away from me so my life was good, but know when ever Uncle Tommy and Mike went out they would get a babysitter for me as Uncle Tommy did not trust my mam to leave me alone.

Which is how at ten years old I met dawn my seventeen year old babysitter, after growing up in a house wear I was nothing more that a punch bag of sex slave her friendship meant everything to me, the next three years are laid out in my first story (being trained ).

But by the time I reached seventeen Uncle Tommy and mam had died they were in a car crash, mike got out with a broken leg but mam was in the back seat unrestrained she went through the window and Uncle Tommy was crushed on the steering wheel.

Dawns mother and father took me in until my nearest relative could be found, I always thought my mam had nobody but a old man came forward to claim me, I am not sure what the detail were but he had thrown her out over a married man telling her never to darken his door again.

the third part of my story is hard to write as it is the most degrading episode in my entire life

if you think this is far fetched just look at the English papers a mother was sentenced to jail for cruelty to her three year old daughter and her partner was jailed for raping the child I only mention this as I know that there are some on this site that rubbish peoples storeys

feel free to comment but I lived through this and any insults are like water of a ducks back to me

I didn’t turn to drink and drugs like a lot of victims do, I cut off any emotional feelings, in a crowd I stand alone,.

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